The Impact Of Distance// A Foodie Sunday

I have had the most volatile experiences with Bengali people in my life. From my first crush to my worst one; from my favorite mentor to my close friends, Bengalis have been everything in my life. The reason I put this out here: the dishes I prepared this Sunday were all recipes of my favorite contestant on season 13 of Masterchef Australia, Kishwar Chowdhury, who’s also Bengali. And they turned out AMAZING.

I cooked my take on her Ruby Curry(which originally uses chicken, but I used paneer or cottage cheese), a Bengali staple called Aloo Bhorta(a spiced potato mash), and Naan flatbread flavored with garlic and coriander. Now sadly, I was in an indifferent kinda mood and didn’t end up taking any pics of the food(Fuck me because it was a GREAT meal). And yes, this was supposed to be a food post if I’d taken the pictures. But now, you’re getting a rant instead. Haha, what fun.

This Sunday, one of my cousin-sisters who’s recently moved to my city for her job, came to visit us. Now truth be told, we barely met when I was younger, because we lived in different cities and never met more than once or twice a year, and she’s quite older than me too. Naturally, I never really developed a bond or anything with her, but I was always intrigued because a lot of my relatives and my parents have told me numerous times how similar they find both of us, in terms of interests and personalities and everything.

So anyway, she was here and as I was cooking that day, she helped me in the kitchen. I’m pretty terrible at rolling out the flatbreads, which is what she helped me with. I’m kinda bitchy about anyone being in the kitchen with me while I’m cooking, and I was pleasantly surprised to actually not mind her being there. Mind you, we’re pretty much strangers even now. In fact, I think cooking together as we did that day is the strongest “bonding” activity we’ve ever done.

While doing so, I was immediately struck by a stark comparison. Just the day before, I had a conversation with my favorite cousin(also a sister) who is the closest cousin I have in terms of age. Now, this cousin is someone I got close to just before the pandemic struck(yes I have non-existent relationships with almost all of my extended family can we move on), so it was a relationship that developed solely on texts and occasional phone calls.

In our convo the day before, she was voicing out how detached she feels about me, even though I know so much about her. Because of the pandemic, we didn’t get to meet at all throughout the peak of our getting to know each other. Even when we met recently, it was for an engagement ceremony in the family and we got barely spent any time together. Mind you, this was the first time we were meeting.

The thing I realized, when I was cooking with my older cousin is that even though we barely knew each other, she felt more real to me than my favorite cousin. Distance and a face-to-face meeting really make such a big difference in your relationships. I am a single child, and these cousins are the closest thing I have to siblings by blood.

So yeah, it was a weird realization that no matter how close you are to anyone, they don’t feel real until they’re in front of you physically.

You can tell how lazy I’m being because I’m blogging about the events of last Sunday a whole week later. I’ll be blogging more this month for sure, now that my exams are almost done.

What are some weird realizations you’ve had lately?

Careful- A-Z #3

For today’s post, click on song 3 if you’re listening to my Spotify playlist while reading this post!

If you’re not familiar with my theme, you can check it out here.

Careful by Paramore was my second most-listened-to song of last year and I’m sure it’s in my top 10 so far this year too! I went through a huge rock music phase last year and Paramore had a LOT to do with it. “Careful” is my favorite Paramore song and it’s perfect in so many ways.

Do you have a defined idea of what a perfect day would be for you? Recently, I had one.

I have spoken about my exams before on my blog, and recently I got a small window of free time in between two sets of tests. It was just a couple of days, but I was able to make more of it than I did the 2-week holidays I had in December. So here’s how my perfect day went.

It was a Thursday, and I was alone at home for the day after a long time. “Careful” was stuck in my head, ever since I woke up. The weather was a weird mix you’ll find only in Bangalore: It was cloudy for most of the day, with the Sun peeking through occasionally. But the weather was very warm and dry. Go figure.

I’ve gotten into the habit of doing the daily Wordle, Quordle, and Octordle in the morning, and I got all three of them that day, which started off my day happy. If you have no idea what they are, they’re daily word games where you try to guess the word of the day with hints given in a limited number of attempts.

I spent most of the morning writing up for A-Z(which I hadn’t been able to for the past week) and reading. Currently, I’ve picked up “Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte, which has been an excellent read so far.

Being alone at home means one more thing: I get to cook for myself!! I feel very peaceful when I’m cooking for myself alone, and that day was no different. I put on my rainy songs playlist(I wanted it to rain!) and set about making something spontaneously. I ended up making a delicious biriyani with paneer(cottage cheese) and vegetables.

I enjoyed a long, long lunch in the late afternoon while binging “New Girl”, a show I finished just a few days ago. It started out as a simple comedy but really made a place for itself on my list of top shows. I spent almost a full hour eating! Didn’t even see the time but definitely enjoyed myself a lot. P.S, don’t watch this show while eating because it’ll SNORT the food out your mouth.

Then I decided to go podcasting because I hadn’t in some time and listened to a couple episodes of “Serial Killers” by Spotify Originals while I prepared to take a nap. There’s nothing like true-crime to relax you! Well, my nap ended up being quite a long one and I slept for almost 3 hours.

I got to some more writing in the evening along with a light workout and yoga. Rarely does it happen, but I even managed to sit myself down to meditate for a few minutes! I should mention that I had a great hair and skin day too. It really was a perfect day.

I thrive on solitude like this, and it’s so hard to come by for me. So getting an entire day to myself like this was a blessing. I can see just how much of a positive effect it had on my mood because I’ve been way more productive in the past few days. Also, I found room to squeeze in a few hours of badminton last week which really improved my mood.

Well, that’s pretty much the definition of a perfect day for me. I hope more of them come by soon.

What does a perfect day look like for you?

Boredom and War

The sky seems so bleak today,

with no clouds to break its pale blue haze

No cool winds to lift me away,

no palpable rain to drown me away.

---

What a dry time in my life,

They seem to have forgotten to give me strife

Again today, at least, today.

Do I desire to drown more than the drought?

Yes.

---

Where are the fireworks?

Where are the floods?

Where are the fireworks to light up my floods?

Where is the blood?

Where is the death?

Where is the poetry to bleed me to death?

I don’t know.

---

Is it really pernicious to ask for the storm?

Is it really wrong to crave some violence?

My ink doesn’t seem to think so,

and hence I decide that it isn’t so.

---

As you can probably tell, I’m bored. Been doing nothing much lately, and my tests just got over so that pressure’s toned down for a bit. Feeling very unmotivated to write, but also really bad that I’m not. I guess this is writer’s block except I have ideas, just don’t wanna write them down.

The war in Ukraine is horrifying to watch. But also interesting. I truly believe that it will amount to no accomplishment at all, to both sides. Which is what makes all the death even more disheartening.

Unlike the stance of many in my country, I disagree with the way India has been playing its cards. War must be opposed, no matter political differences. That being said, I don’t mean sanctioning Russia from our end or sending in supplies. It is absolutely unaffordable to break our ties with Russia, but India can definitely be bolder in calling for a ceasefire and diplomacy. War is wrong, no matter what.

What are your thoughts on this whole affair?

P.S I find it so ironic that I’m desperately hoping the actual war ends while simultaneously wishing for a metaphorical “war” to come along in my life.

(Includes Word of the Day prompt “PERNICIOUS”)

I want pizza

Does the title have any relevance to the post? No, it doesn’t. I just want pizza. Moving on.

Every year around Christmas, I sit down and write about the important moments of the past year in my diary. It’s kinda like the yearly highlights reel of my life. So what did happen this year for me?

Until March, it was pretty much only exams and stress of the 11th grade. My marks were the worst I’d ever seen, and frankly, I didn’t expect more seeing as to how much I actually studied. So yeah that’s that, and the worst was quickly(or not so quickly over). One thing I’m grateful for is that the rest of the year only got better. And also, I won a badminton tournament hosted by our apartment, which was very much needed after the bad exam results. (Shoutout to my doubles partner who absolutely killed it too)

Then in April, there was the second wave of covid-19 and a second quarantine. This time, I caught the virus myself and isolated for 14 days with my family. Thankfully, all of our symptoms were mild and we barely broke a sweat over this. The isolation period also ended up giving me alone time I didn’t know I needed, which I spent binging WandaVision, writing quite a bit, and making this blog!! This blog came out on 31st April this year, just around the time I recovered from covid.

Then there was a slump until august where nothing really happened apart from me binging shows and bunking classes(Online, again).

August started out pretty fine until I went and stumbled over my own self and fell for my unattainable crush. Which was, nice. Very nice. One thing it did do is bring me closer to my person(Grey’s anatomy reference there) and my spiritual twin, who I’d like to thank for listening to my endless rants. You can read more about that here.

Around my birthday in October was when I finally started studying properly since my 10th grade and went to my school for the first time since the pandemic. For my first offline exams since 10th grade too, nonetheless. I’d never been sad on my birthday before, maybe indifferent and numb like I some(many) times am, but this year was the saddest I’ve ever felt on my birthday. For no particular reason either. This was also around the time I listened to 505 on repeat for hours, which is how it ended up being my top song on Spotify wrapped for 2021

I don’t think I was ever this excited for my Spotify wrapped to come out. Taylor stayed at the top artist spot, obviously.

I wrote my board exams for my 12th grade recently. Those went decently, and I can say I’m content and kinda happy going into the new year. I also caught up with Grey’s anatomy a few days ago, since I started from the very first season last May. I’ve never loved a show quite like this one. Then again, there isn’t a show quite like this one.

This year was definitely an improvement from the previous one. Ahh, what a year though. Felt like 2000 years and 5 minutes and silly mistakes and unbelievable achievements, all at once. Here’s to great memories, magical people, hour-long phone calls, mindfuckinlgy amazing shows and books, and our happy, free, confusing, and lonely lives. I still want pizza though.

You can check out some great books and shows I came across this year here.

How’s your year been?

Homophobia, Religion, Heartbreak and More.

Life has slowly started going back to its pre pandemic ways. I for one am pretty grateful for this, even though I miss the slow and lazy pace of the past several months. I went to my college in person for the first time, and I’m not gonna lie it isn’t a perfect environment for an introvert like me to be suddenly surrounded by so many new people, but surprisingly it feels good to be out in the world again.

For me, the pandemic was a pause from all the blaring issues I had, ones I kept ignoring before. The reappearance of certain people in my life has, however, reopened all those wounds. The only difference is, this time I also have better people in my life who don’t make me feel bad about my insecurities, who taught me that you deserve reciprocation.

The earlier ones though, people who I gladly called my best friends for a solid 2-3 years, taught me some hard lessons with their insensitive words last week.

In an increasingly (un)expected conversation, I learned, or rather confirmed several of my “best” friends’ narrow minded opinions.

I feel sad that someone my own age, has the idea of religion so wrong in their heads, in fact thinking along the same lines cultural rioters. Its ridiculous and infuriating to see someone trying to prove one religion is superior to another. And worse, blatantly justifying their homophobia and conservative thought process through their religion. Yes, you read that right: during one point of this conversation, my friend actually tried to convince me that the concept of different sexualities is a sin, a lie spread by the “Western Civilization” and not even kidding, pulled up quotes from the Holy Qu’ran as explanation. In their exact words they followed these texts blindly because,” There would be chaos without any rules.”

The less said about that sorry person, the better.

What affected me more personally however, was what someone else did. In another delightful conversation the very same day, I got told by someone that if the jokes they make about me hurt me, it’s in fact my fault that I get triggered and I should get over it 🙂

This is also the person who I tried hard to befriend and help when I was in school, and even shut people up who (rightfully) called out their childish behavior. I must say, it feels great to get insulted in return for all you’ve done for someone. To top it all off, it looks like this person agrees with the earlier mentioned opinions on homophobia too.

Cutting out these people is embarrassingly hard, though, because after all they know a lot about me. They’ve seen me in so many of my highs and lows. Its very difficult to start fresh with a whole new group of people.

So yeah, October, yet again, has been an intense month. Coupled with my pseudo heartbreak and my first bout of birthday sadness, I’m just about ready to hibernate. Now that I think of it, I’ve never been wished on my birthday by either of the two people I spoke of, even when we were “close” friends.

If anyone reading has had to go through similar experiences, I feel very, very sorry for you. However hard it may be to cut off such toxic people, please do it. You deserve more, and you deserve better. I speak from experience when I say you won’t even remember them once you’ve found the right people. And you will.

August Part 2

Yes, I’m posting this in September. I needed time. August was quite the month. And look at me, choosing to write this one of my worst days of the year so far.

So school is a mess, in multiple ways. The most obvious problem is the exams coming up and that’s that. Then there are certain people, or person.

Here’s the thing. August, as I said was something of a month. I fell for someone too soon, too fast and it was a dead end before I even spoke to that person. Well it was bad but at least I got great new music from this.

On the other hand, someone is falling for me(90 percent sure) and I don’t know what to say because I’m not interested. I can’t even say anything until I get asked directly, and now I’m pretty sure I’m leading that person on. Like I said, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I’m so done with everything that I’m not even able to put this across any less bluntly. And I’m supposed to be good with words.

After a year and half of monotonous nothing, this is a lot to happen in 1 month. And yeah then there’s that anxiety every 12th grader ever feels about their future. (At this point I’m just ranting)

Doesn’t help that I’m not feeling well today, am extremely tired of talking to people (because after all I’m an introvert) and I have a load of work which is increasing my guilt. So yeah.

When Olivia Rodrigo said,” I only have two real friends, and lately I’m a nervous wreck.”, man did I feel it.

Well then that’s it for now I think. Did I mention I’m having a bad time lately?

Oh also do checkout the new palette of my website!!

Punisher

So the first week of school is now over, and I must say it was pretty chill. I am still a little behind schedule, but its manageable. Some other random problems came up too, and I’m still kinda chaotic inside. Haven’t updated my blog since Tuesday, but I’m successfully back into diary writing.

This week’s music discoveries were Phoebe Bridger’s Punisher and Cleopatra by The Lumineers. Also a bunch of 80s dance pop hits. Don’t ask me the relation. But yeah, my music has been very varied.

I also watched two excellent films, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Breakfast Club, hence the 80s pop. Its been a messy, all over the place time. I also finished watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and I’m kinda sad its ending this year. It’s meant more to me than I’ve given it credit for.

So yeah, a totally here and there week, but one of the good ones.

Currently jamming to ICU by Phoebe Bridgers as I write this. I really love the album cover lol, its so moody.

2020

We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical.
- Taylor Swift

What can I say about last year. I’ve found so many new things, in myself and in others. I feel like I must account this past year, or else it will forgotten for its sheer monotony. Yet so much has happened.

We’ve come a considerable length into 2021 but nothing seems new. I will forever associate the first few months of this year with the last. Its funny I should think to recap the pandemic era of my life now, when I myself have been infected with covid-19.

March- April last year went happily. I’d just finished my 10th boards with considerable achievements and was ready for a break. And a break I did take. All I did was catch up on movies, shows and music. Honestly that’s kept me sane throughout the pandemic. Some of the best shows I’ve ever known, which influenced me so much came into my life last year. Schitt’s creek, Dark, Killing Eve, 13 reasons Why to name a few. I also discovered the catalogues of many artists like Mariah Carey, Halsey, The Weeknd, Lana Del Rey, which I’d never really heard before. Its been a crazy ride. I’ve sketched, written poetry and songs like never before. I’ve cooked so many new things.

But then I’ve also been disappointed with myself the most. My academic performance was an all time low, and even though this is a common scenario with many people around me, its not really a consolation. This year and 12th grade too are turning out to be pretty similar up until now.

I feel so under accomplished. I’ve done nothing really, and the prospect of adulthood, career options and university seems monstrous. I cannot express how scary and sad it is. Scary because of merely having no knowledge of the future, and sadness because childhood seems to have slipped away so soon. The idea of leaving your comforts behind is necessary but nerve wracking.

I’ve constantly felt like a part of me has become dysfunctional since mid-June last year. All the free time I’ve wasted seems like a nightmare. I want nothing more than to feel fully alive again. I feel like I peaked in 2019 and ever since its all been a downhill road. The amount of dreams I have for myself doesn’t seem plausible in reality, and any other prospects seem lowly. Its a weird reality I’m living and nothing seems right. I don’t feel right in my skin. I want to be so much more than what I’m becoming.

I’m wise enough to know that the only solution to this is to live life, but not wise enough to know how to bear the ride. That isn’t a surprise really, I’ve always been the one to skip parts of the movie. Let’s just hope that I don’t forget to live in the process of learning to live. I don’t want to grow up and regret not enjoying these years of my life. That said, I can’t do anything about the biggest regret of my life which is now.

First Day

Yep, I’m doing this, finally putting out my blog, after almost 2 years of having thought about it. I’d always thought that I’d publish my blog on a special day, someone important’s birthday, a day when one of my favorite artists dropped a song/album, or maybe a date which adds up to 13( people close to me know all about that madness). But today, actually putting it out there, its not any of those “perfect” kinds of days. In fact there’s nothing special happening in my life too right now. I guess that’s part of the reason I decided to publish my website today. By doing so, I have made this day special.

Hopefully, after a few months(years?) of which I’ve kept blogging without being lazy, I’ve gained a certain amount of fame. It sure will be nostalgic to come upon this entry then, and give me a sense of how much I’ve changed in all that time.

Quoting Lana Del Rey, ” …I am large, I contain multitudes.” If this line doesn’t describe my life, nothing does. I feel like I’m a different person, feeling and talking completely differently in the span of minutes. And my writing, will sure be similar. So please, don’t worry if I’m writing about a crush one day and then talking about committing a murder the next day lol.

Happy reading

xoxo